ME: Use the /interviewer skill to ask me questions about my acne journey. Please don’t be overly blunt. It’s a sensitive subject, but I’m willing to share my story so whoever has gone through something similar knows they’re not alone.
CLAUDE: When did your skin first become something you thought about — not just noticed, but thought about?
ME: Before I answer that, can you elaborate on what you mean by “thought about”?
CLAUDE: I mean the shift from just seeing a breakout in the mirror to it taking up space in your head — something you were aware of during the day, or planned around.
ME: Well, I always took school seriously, but I think junior year was when the workload increased significantly. I was taking more challenging classes and feeling more stressed than usual. That stress resulted in more breakouts, which led to me feeling a lot more self-conscious about my skin.
CLAUDE: That’s the same year you joined the multimedia academy and were taking portraits. Were you ever on the other side of the camera then?
ME: I was. But looking back, even though that’s when my breakouts started taking up space in my head, my acne was still objectively pretty mild (especially compared to what I was about to experience in the years to come).
CLAUDE: Tell me about what came after high school.
ME: I started breaking out more in college, but after about a year, my mom discovered a med spa in our area that introduced me to blue/red light therapy and basically eliminated all signs of my acne. Sure, there was some hyperpigmentation and scarring, but I was so happy the pimples were gone that I didn’t even care. I regularly purchased and used products from that med spa and maintained a skincare routine that kept my acne under control, even when I lived overseas for a little while (three months in Taiwan and six months in the Philippines). But then I moved to Southern California, which was where I lived for the majority of my twenties, and my skin went crazy. My early twenties was when I experienced the worst acne of my life. I had severe cystic acne, and I’m pretty sure I cried about it at least once a week. I honestly can’t remember why I stopped the skincare routine that was working for me in college and for some time afterwards, but I just remember that my skin worsened so much that even thinking about that time in my life makes me want to cry. Eventually, my mom and I found another med spa in the area where I started getting facials regularly. For a while, it was excruciating. The extractions felt like absolute torture. But they worked! Once again, my skin was clear and I had a new skincare routine to follow which incorporated that med spa’s products. After a while, though, the facials and the products were getting too expensive. I also went back to Taiwan, and this time, I stayed for a year. Thinking about that year is definitely bittersweet. On the one hand, I loved the experience. I met so many amazing people, and being immersed in the culture really helped me improve in my ability to speak Mandarin. At the same time, though, that was also when my horrible cystic acne came back. I wanted to document the adventure, but I hated the way I looked in photos. I eventually got desperate and changed my diet. First I was vegan, and then I transitioned to being vegetarian. It helped for a while, but eventually, my system adapted and I was back to breaking out. At that point, my acne wasn’t as severe as it was in my earlier twenties, but it was still enough for me to hate what I saw every time I looked in the mirror. So, finally, I got on Accutane. When I finished the treatment, I’m quite certain that was the clearest my skin had ever been.
CLAUDE: You said you wanted to document that year in Taiwan but hated how you looked in photos. What happened to those memories — did you take the pictures anyway?
ME: I did take the pictures anyway, but on the days when my acne was especially bad, I did feel like I was dying on the inside every time I took a photo. I just knew, though, that I would really regret it if I flat out refused to take any pictures during my time out there.
CLAUDE: Can you look at those photos now?
ME: I just tried to look at some of them right now. I do look back fondly on those memories, but admittedly, it was a bit painful to revisit the way my skin looked back then. The best way I can describe it is that there was a slight feeling of tightness in my chest, which is probably because I still feel embarrassed about going out in public looking like that.
CLAUDE: Thank you for actually looking — I didn’t expect you to open them just now. What would you say to the version of you in those photos, who was already doing the harder thing by standing there?
ME: Knowing what I know now, I wouldn’t want her to have unrealistic expectations. So, I’d probably start by telling her that it’s a continuous journey. As a woman, there are all sorts of hormonal changes that can affect our skin, which has certainly been the case for me. But I would then tell her that, while I haven’t yet found the solution that will completely eliminate acne, it does get better. And even though it feels awful in the moment, she won’t regret putting herself out there and allowing her picture to be taken. Having those photographs will also give her the opportunity to reflect on the challenges she faced and feel proud of how she was able to endure. I would also remind her that it’s okay to cry when it hurts, but the people who truly love her won’t care about how she looks.
CLAUDE: You said it’s still a continuous journey. What does that look like for you now?
ME: Well, Accutane worked for a while, but the effects started to wear off after a few years. Granted, my acne is not severe like it used to be, but I do regularly experience breakouts. I imagine they’re tied to hormones, but it does seem like as soon as a pimple disappears, a new one appears in a different spot. I’m really tired of band aid solutions, though. This time, rather than spending a fortune on external solutions and treatments, I want to see a specialist that will help me identify the root cause of the problem and attack it from the inside. The goal is to not cause further damage in the process.
CLAUDE: Have you booked that appointment?
ME: I sure did. It’s tomorrow.
CLAUDE: What would have to happen tomorrow for it to feel different from the other times you thought you’d found the answer?
ME: I think the solution that’s proposed would need to be different from all the other solutions that have been put in front of me. I’m not a medical professional, so I don’t really know what that looks like yet, but I do hope to finally find an option with long-term effectiveness.
CLAUDE: You mentioned wanting to avoid further damage. Was there something in the past that did damage?
ME: I definitely feel like several things I’ve tried in the past have damaged my skin barrier. Even when I’m not experiencing as many breakouts, my skin overall feels more sensitive and thinner (if that even makes sense).
CLAUDE: Your mom shows up twice in this story — she found the first med spa, then the second one with you. What was it like to have her in it?
ME: I can’t even begin to express how grateful I am for her support. She was always there for me during the times I needed to cry because of emotional and physical pain, but she also celebrated with me when we found solutions that worked (at least for the time). Even though she was extremely empathetic towards my struggles, she still told me I was beautiful when I felt like the complete opposite.
CLAUDE: Did you believe her at the time?
ME: To some extent, yes. I thought I could be beautiful underneath the acne, but it was hard to see myself as truly beautiful with it, which feels awful to type out because I don’t view my friends and family with acne as ugly at all. I think I’m just my own worst critic.
CLAUDE: That gap — the standard you hold yourself to versus the one you hold everyone else to. Is it any narrower now than it was then?
ME: My perfectionistic tendencies still exist, but I do feel like as I get older, I’m becoming more aware of what I need. I think that awareness has made me a lot better about giving myself grace and not allowing my own boundaries to be crossed.
CLAUDE: Give me a moment where that showed up — a time recently you gave yourself grace you wouldn’t have at twenty-two.
ME: I wouldn’t say it’s necessarily a moment. It’s more of a mindset that I consistently have now. Here’s an example. At twenty-two, if there was something I felt like I needed to do but it required me to stay up late, I would’ve pushed myself to do it anyway. Now, I know that my body needs sleep in order to be functional. There are times when I feel like I should push myself to do everything that I deem important within a day, but when I’m not able to check off all the items on that list because I ran out of time, I can now tell myself that it’s okay because my health takes priority. And when I give myself grace like that, I genuinely believe that it’s the truth and not just a mantra I repeat to make myself feel better for “failing.”
CLAUDE: You started this by saying you’d share so someone going through the same thing knows they’re not alone. Who is that person, in your head?
ME: Someone who doesn’t want to be seen because of insecurity about their skin. While this can apply to physical appearance in general, I acknowledge that every condition is different, so I can’t speak to the feelings of those experiencing something I’ve never gone through myself. What I can speak to is the emotional rollercoaster that comes with having acne. If someone reading this wants to crawl in a corner every time they see someone with seemingly perfect skin, I want them to know that I feel their pain in my heart. There’s no cookie cutter solution for every single person, but I sincerely hope they find the solution that works for them.
CLAUDE: That’s a good place to end. Thank you for going there, Elaine — and I hope tomorrow’s appointment gives you something real to work with.